Clive Palmer's Trumpets blowing nothing but hot air

Investigations editor Ross Jones takes a closer look at Clive Palmer's latest indulgence, Trumpet of Patriots.

PRESIDED OVER BY Mr Malice himself, Clive Palmer, Trumpet of Patriots (T.O.P.) is the bastard child of self-serving compromise.

In an opaque deal involving a management consultant (credited with forming the unregistered political party T.O.P. and coming up with the bizarre name), a moribund but still registered political party (the Federation Party), a non-party (United Australia Party) — and maybe some wheel grease.

Palmer de-registered his United Australia Party in September 2022.

The party said it was to save on admin costs as it lay in hiatus for the 2025 Election, but a former candidate went public to allege:

“They deregistered to avoid any accountability, to avoid any transparency and to avoid any liability.”

Despite having access to the best advice money can buy, Palmer’s attempt to re-register UAP was knocked back by the High Court last February.

Foiled. And Senator Ralph Babet is stranded in his Victorian Senate seat.

If, as many, including Sydney Criminal Lawyers, suggest, Palmer needs a dog in the election race, 'because he wants to safeguard the billions of dollars in profit that come from the mining, iron, nickel and local holdings', he needed to act fast.

There was no way Palmer was going to be able to round up 1,500 bona fide members to get a party registered with the Australian Electoral Comission (AEC) in time for the 2025 Election (or perhaps anytime), but he had a mate, Nick Duffield, a Trumpist management consultant who had started the whole Trumpet of Patriots thing.

Duffield had whipped up a bit of initial enthusiasm. Not enough to form a political party but enough to convince the right-wing Christians and, importantly, AEC-registered The Australian Federation Party that a merger might not be a bad idea.

On 3 December 2024, the AEC recognised a name change from Australian Federation Party to Trumpet of Patriots.

Exactly when and how Malice and Duffield did this whole deal is opaque, but they pulled it off, the lurid yellow advertising with its preposterous claims being the evidence.

According to its website:

‘The Trumpet of Patriots will preference Labor and the Liberals last in the 2025 Federal Election to end the two-party duopoly and make Australia great.’

This is where the average Trumpet of Patriots voter might become confused — who to preference?’

There is a plethora of choice for those who like to pick their poison.

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From the simple racism and xenophobia of One Nation to the “Up yours!” of Craig Kelly and the Libertarians, from the anti-woke of HEART to the Drag Queen Storytime of Family First, T.O.P. voters will be swooning with choice.

The thing is, it just doesn’t matter because there will be bugger-all T.O.P. voters. Friends and relatives of the many T.O.P. candidates plus a few sundry suckers if they’re lucky. T.O.P.’s preferences will be minuscule and won’t trouble the scorer.

None of its candidates has a chance.

Many of the current crop of candidates hope they can do a Ralph Babet, some probably fantasise about it at night. Surf Clive’s money to Canberra. Like winning Deal or No Deal.

Palmer’s old UAP got 4.1 per cent overall last time around in 2021 at a cost of $125 million, but Trumpet is not UAP.

For starters, there is the name. Over the last few months, its spiritual beacon has gone from hero to sub-zero, from saviour to threat. It can’t be escaped, it is right there at the start of the name.

Then there is the logo. The thing holding the trumpet has got blowhard baked right in, referential to its owner, maybe. A malignant Teletubbie was the model, frightening in a too-much-medication kind of way.

But most of all, there is ennui.

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Australians have seen this all before. P.U.P., UAP, T.O.P. — always the same. Massive ad spends, lurid graphics, a squillion unknown candidates, fantastical claims.

The playbook worked well the first time around.

In the first Palmer United Party (P.U.P.) iteration, back in the 2013 Election, Malice himself became Member for Fairfax, famous for sleeping in the Chamber. The party also catapulted Dio Wang, Glenn Lazarus and Jacqui Lambie to the Senate.

Dio and Glen fell by the wayside, but Jacqui went on to a successful political future after she parted company with Clive.

Palmer deregistered P.U.P. in 2016 but then, in 2018, registered the United Australia Party.

Second time round, in 2018 as the United Australia Party, Palmer fell a bit short of P.U.P.’s 2013 performance.

The party failed to win any electoral contest. Lots of money, no cigars.

Third time, in 2021, again as UAP — “Meh”.

Again, a lot of money, ads everywhere, but this time some success with one Victorian Senator, Ralph Babet, a real estate agent from the wide development lands just out of Melbourne’s east, around Berwick. Ralph is a right-wing warrior who, thankfully, has had little influence on the body politic to date.

Would you buy a property from this man?