Bazza watches on as Mick taps his beer before trying to unsubscribe from a video streaming app.
Mick strode across the bar with his phone on speaker and set up stumps at the bar table. He positioned his laptop on the table and took a generous sip of the offered schooner.
He grimaced as his phone repeated:‘Your call is important to us. Your query can also be addressed by visiting our website at www.nothelpful.com.au, or you may select from the following menu...'
Mick rubbed his forehead and waited for "option 8", patted the dial pad and screwed his face at the connection to hold music.
Bazza sipped his schooner and rubbed his chin as Mick gritted his teeth and sighed.
“Cost of living strategy, Bazza. I want to unsubscribe from some of these video streaming apps. I am not kidding… I have been trying to speak to a human for over an hour.”
Bazza rubbed an eye and chuckled.
“Well, it is good of you to share the hold music with the front bar, Mick. It is somewhat ironic that the automated voice keeps repeating, 'Your call is important to us... ' before offering music torture. It’s almost as good as Timeless Tom’s insistence on Chad Morgan’s Greatest Hits every birthday.”
Mick clicked his tongue.
It beats wearing out my ear, Bazza. It is as easy as pie to sign up for these streaming apps. You provide some basic details, including email and, of course, credit card details and you are connected within minutes.
Unsubscribing is a whole different matter and as difficult as unscrambling an egg. I did try to just hold my finger on the app to delete it, but look what happens...
Mick flicked open his laptop and they both stared as all the apps began to shake.
Bazza half grinned.
“Awww… look at that, Mick. How cute? It’s like a litter of newborn kittens. If you touch that one "x" and delete the app, it’s as if the rest of the kittens are fretting about being next. How could you be so cruel, Mick?”
Mick dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand and opened his emails.
Makes no difference anyway, Bazza, because I just start getting emails telling me how valued I am and politely reminding me of my obligations under the contract I apparently entered into. It even uses an algorithm and Artificial Intelligence to specifically reminisce about some of the good movies we watched together.
Halfway through the email, it replaces ‘Michael’ with a more casual ‘Mick’ and even throws in the odd ‘mate’. I am almost in tears about a break-up I cannot achieve anyway.
Bazza furrowed his brow, scrolled the email down to the "unsubscribe" icon and touched it repeatedly.
Mick’s eyes widened.
“Repeatedly pushing the pedestrian button at the traffic lights does not bring on the ‘walk’ signal any quicker, Bazza. Why would it possibly work on a laptop?”
A human voice replaced the hold music on Mick’s phone and he switched from speaker and began talking animatedly.
Bazza leaned back and took a measured sip as Mick went from talking to listening mode. Mick's shoulders relaxed and he began nodding with an “Ahh… okay”, “I see…”, “Sounds good…”, finishing with, “I'm all in… thanks heaps”.
Mick ended the call, took a generous sip of his schooner and smiled widely.
“What a bloody good deal, Bazza. I’ve just upgraded to premium!”
John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.
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