Due to recent upheavals, Minister Tudge is spending the day interviewing applicants to fill a vacant position in his office.
TUDGE: Christian. It’s me, Alan. Want a bit of fun today?
PORTER: Need you ask?! Fun’s my family creed.
TUDGE: Get your hairy arse over here. I’m interviewing some new crumpet to work in my office.
PORTER: Beauty! I’ll be there before you can say "Show us your tits.”
(Within a minute, Porter joins his closest mate, Tudge.)
TUDGE: Cockhead. How’s it hanging?
PORTER: You could say it’s chafing a bit. Getting caught. That’s fucked, Alan. Really fucked. Rule of thumb — never get caught with your pants down.
TUDGE: I know. I know. How I let myself trust that bitch is beyond me. But you know how it is. Having sex to produce – and nurture – a family only goes so far. Life without a bit of slap and tickle on the side feels like meat and three veg, night after night after night.
PORTER: Don’t I know it, or rather, didn’t I know it? Thank God I ate out many nights — so to speak. It was the only thing keeping me sane. Anyway, what’s the drill for today?
TUDGE: I’ve got a few cute outfits, skirts and tops, for the applicants to try on, to see how they scrub up. I’m going with the "We’re a conservative government and we like sheilas to look like sheilas" line. No slacks, or slackers here!
PORTER: Beautiful! But what if you have a few male applicants? They can’t be expected to frock up.
TUDGE: No worries. No males. We weeded them out well before this stage.
PORTER: That’s not strictly legal, mate. Jobs have to be "equal opportunity" and all that. Did you specify female applicants only, when you advertised?
TUDGE: Fuck, no!
PORTER: Sweet, mate. You’ll come up roses.
(There is a knock at the door.)
TUDGE: Come in.
(A young woman nervously enters the room.)
TUDGE: Well, hi there. I’m Alan, and this is Attorney-General Porter. Take a chair. What’s your name?
TUDGE: Well, Gladys. A real pleasure to meet you.
PORTER: Yes, it is.
(Gladys nervously crosses her legs as she sits and notices the men checking out her legs.)
TUDGE: Is this the first time you’ve applied for a position as a staffer?
GLADYS: Yes, it is.
TUDGE: You’re probably a little concerned about your lack of experience.
GLADYS: Well, actually I am. My only experience in the political world is the day I was employed to be a topless waitress at a Young Liberals NSW Branch get-together, exclusively for male members.
PORTER: Yes. The buggers said it was only for NSW Branch members; otherwise, I would have met you there.
TUDGE: I heard excellent reports about you from that function, hence you being here now.
GLADYS: Thank you.
TUDGE: Basically, all you have to do today is walk towards me and lean over my desk. Here, I’ll give you this sheet of paper. Then all you have to do is come to my desk, slowly lean over and maintain that pose longer than necessary, as I take the paper from you.
(Gladys takes the paper from Tudge, walks to the far side of his office, the slowly ambles back and leans forward as she hands it back.)
TUDGE: Thank you, Gladys. Wonderful.
PORTER: I’ll say. Bloody smashing! If Alan says no, feel free to contact my office — you're a natural.
TUDGE: Very impressive. Thank you, Gladys. That will be all for now. My office will contact you later this week to inform you of my decision. But, may I say, very impressive.
(Gladys lets herself out.)
TUDGE: What do you reckon, Cockhead?
PORTER: Definite 9/10.
TUDGE: Agree — she’s right up there. I’m giving her eight and a half.
PORTER: Eight and a half! Don’t be a dickhead, Dickhead. She’s at least a nine.
(The door opens and a young woman clad in a pantsuit enters.)
TUDGE: Please, please. Come in and sit down. I’m Alan.
PORTER: And I’m Christian. What’s your name?
TUDGE: I see you have little to no experience as a political staffer. No need to worry.
BRONWYN: That’s good news! I can really do with this gig and I was concerned about my lack of experience.
PORTER: You are aware we are a conservative government, very supportive of traditional family values.
TUDGE: And as such, we like our women to look like women. No pants. We wear the pants, here.
PORTER: When we wear them. (The two ministers laugh.)
BRONWYN: If I’d known, I would have worn a skirt.
TUDGE: No worries. I have a few outfits here for just such a contingency. See what fits and put it on. You can change in my bathroom.
(Bronwyn leaves and quickly returns in an above the knee skirt, showing a hint of cleavage. Tudge gets her to repeat the previous leaning over the desk exercise. Bronwyn then changes back into her suit and leaves.)
TUDGE: Eight and a half.
PORTER: Eight and a half.
(Three more young female applicants are asked to go through the same drill. Each is given a score by the two men.)
TUDGE: By my reckoning, Gladys wins with 17 and a half, over Bronwyn on 17. None of the others scored above 15.
PORTER: Gladys it is.
TUDGE: Correct call.
PORTER: Just one thing, Dickhead.
TUDGE: What, Cockhead?
PORTER: Can I have first crack?
Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of '42+1: The (Real) Meaning of Life' and ‘Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders' — available HERE.
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