The divine rapture of Scott Morrison

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Our PM's relationship with God may very well be a one-way friendship (Image via - edited)

Months after the miracle of 18 May, PM ScoMo finds himself still firmly in the embrace of divine rapture. Let us join the miracle man as he prays to his Lord, in the manner only the righteous can do.

SCOMO: Lord, oh, Lord. My God. Our God. Australia’s God. In fact, the entire universe’s God. How good is this? I believe in miracles and, finally, after the debacle of the “Where the bloody hell are you?” campaign, you deliver me a miracle. I won enough votes to be PM. If that isn’t a miracle, then what is? Fátima doesn’t even come close. Lord, oh, Lord, thank you.

(At this point Scomo starts espousing in tongues, except for the occasional reference to lower taxes under the Liberals. Fortunately, IA has amongst its journalists a leading light in the Pentecostal movement. As a result, we are able to present a transcript, in English, of ScoMo’s discourse with God.)

SCOMO: God. Oh, my God.

GOD: Scomo.

SCOMO: Lord, is that you? Is that really you? The omnipotent, righteous one.

GOD: Who do you think it is — the pizza delivery boy telling you your family-sized Hawaiian with extra pineapple has arrived? Of course it’s me.

SCOMO: Oh, Lord. How good is this? I’ve been praying to you for so long it feels like ancient history and this is the first time you’ve answered me.

GOD: Enough of that rubbish. Forget the miracle crap. To be blunt with you, I was bitterly disappointed with the result.

SCOMO: Really? But why, Lord? I thought you controlled everything anyway. I thought it was your will that a righteous person like me would be PM.

GOD: Not everything. Have you any idea how many things happen on Earth on any given day? I have to triage my priorities and, quite frankly, who wins an Australian Federal Election doesn’t rate that highly.

SCOMO: Wow. How good is that? I won the election because of me, not because it was your will.

GOD: Correct weight. As previously stated, I was quite disappointed and disillusioned with the result.

SCOMO: Really? I mean, really? Don’t you believe in lower taxes?

(“Don’t you believe in lower taxes?” was asked in English, not in tongues.)

GOD: Taxes aren’t an issue that concerns me. I’m more into droughts, floods, typhoons, earthquakes, tsunamis, plagues of locusts — that sort of thing. I believe you are acquainted with my son.

SCOMO: Yes, oh Lord. He died for our sins.

GOD: Yes, he did. Maybe you could tell that to the rugby player, Israel Folau. My family is aware of the concept of the flawed human. If it wasn’t for those flaws, there’d be no elite sport because no one would ever make a mistake. If that was the case, Folau would have found himself out of a job years ago. Every pass is accurate, never dropped and every time someone runs with the ball, they score a try. You can’t have a game like that.

SCOMO: How good would that be if my beloved Cronulla Sharks played like that?

GOD: Well, what did my son say about inheriting the Earth?

SCOMO: If Labor got in, they would have taxed away any inheritance.  

(That bit was expressed in English, rather than tongues.)

GOD: Get serious. What did he say about who would inherit the Earth?

SCOMO: The meek shall inherit the Earth.

GOD: Precisely. And who are the Coalition’s major backers? Answer me, please.

SCOMO: The big mining companies. The multi-national companies. Banks. Property developers. Big business employers not keen on wage rises or penalty rates eating into their profit margins.

GOD: Are they the meek? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

SCOMO: I see your point, but let’s not get caught up in the Bible bubble.

GOD: My son was appalled with the result. You know, he’s an avid ABC consumer when he has the time to relax.

SCOMO: Oh. Is he angry with me?

GOD: Let’s just say you won’t be getting a Christmas card from him this year.

SCOMO: Golly, I’m sorry, Lord. I didn’t realise. Anything else?

GOD: Yes. If you see that disgraced Cardinal, George Pell, let him know we’re not too pleased with him up here. What is it with you Aussies? You’re not doing our brand reputation any good. Folau has been a naughty little boy and as for Pell, what he did with little boys wasn’t just naughty, it was downright evil. You, as an ex-advertising man, should come up with a campaign to heal the damage they have done.

SCOMO: Okay, I’ll get onto it right away. How about “Heaven is tax free”?

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'The (Real) Meaning of Life' and 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

You can purchase Rocky's books, 'The (Real) Meaning of Life'  here and 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68', by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here.

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