The case of the missing lawn mower

Bazza is geared to go global with a pub test when Mick draws his attention to a local drama.

“Thanks for the beer, Mick. There’s a bloody lot going on in the world and it’s a case of where to start. We could run a pub test on Albo’s performance over the past couple of weeks, the continuing conflict in the Middle East and Ukraine or the U.S. Election.”

“Bugger all that, Bazza. Did you hear about Russell’s missing lawn mower?”

Bazza sighed and they both took a good drink.

You are the man to see about all the gossip in the village, Mick. Our Russell is very particular about his front lawn. In fact, he turned up at my place on Saturday with pen and pad to let me know it went missing right out the front of his place.

As he does, Russell was fastidiously mowing the lawn on his side of the footpath. He turned the mower off to empty the grass catcher and when he got back it was gone.

Aussie antics in the swimming pool pure gold

Bazza drops a bomb of Olympic proportions during a catch-up with mates at the pub.

Bazza went on.

"I got a bit annoyed when he put me through the third degree with some assumption I needed a lawn mower. I don’t think my goat in the front yard was too impressed either with this slur on the state of my lawn, so I withdrew the offer to lend it to him. Anyhow, lets move on…”

“No, no Bazza, you've only got half the story. It’s the biggest crime at Russell’s place since the mystery of the water bottles on his front lawn three years ago.”

Bazza tilted his head back slightly.

You didn’t hear about that? Russell woke up one morning and there was a bottle of water on his immaculate front lawn. He didn’t think that much of it and disposed of it, quick smart. Next morning, same thing, same spot.

Typical Russell... checks with Neighbourhood Watch, but it's only him being targeted. Three days later, the same thing happens — a bottle of water left in the same place, on his lawn, in the morning.

Bazza shook his head and took a drink.

So, Russell decides to stake out his front lawn. He sets up a chair in his front room, to watch all night. He nods off about 3.00am and then wakes to find another bottle of water at 7.00am! By this stage, it is totally doing his head in. He even takes the bottle down to the police station for finger printing and to report harassment by an unknown felon!

Setting the story straight

Sometimes it's no easy feat getting the truth out when people hear what they want to hear or put their own spin on things.

Mick took a long drink and leaned forward with open arms.

Well… the local constabulary was not about to refer it to the Serious Crime Squad, so Russell sets himself up behind his wheelie bins for an all-night vigil. At 3.30am he jumps out and shines a torch on a woman in her nightie placing the bottle of water on his lawn.

It turns out Cheryl, from the top of the street, well, her sister was visiting. Apparently, she is a chronic sleepwalker — down to the point of grabbing a bottle of water and heading out the front door!

They both enjoyed a good belly laugh.

“But back to the missing lawn mower, Bazza. After interviewing the whole street about their movements and observations, between the hours of 9.00am and 10.00am last Saturday, Russell still can’t solve the mystery. Anyhow, he goes and buys a new lawn mower on Monday.”

“Ooh, that would have hurt, Mick, he is tight with a quid. But Russell without a lawn mower is more than I can bear.”

“Ah yeah, Bazza, but the best bit is... on Thursday night, a bloke knocks on Russell's door and asks him if there is a grass catcher to go with the lawn mower he left out on the street last Saturday!”

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.