LOGIN
Satire

ScoMo hits the ground running

By | | comments
Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons

ScoMo has hit the ground running in his pursuit of becoming an elected prime minister. Listen in as he tells the Australian public why he should remain PM.

PRIME MINISTER SCOMO: 

Vote for the Coalition and my Government will continue to offer a positive, optimistic and safe future for all Australians ... unlike Bill Shorten and his band of ratbags.

A vote for Labor will see an extra 340 trillion dollars gouged out of you in taxes, just to fund their Australian foreign aid program over the next 256 years. You can’t afford it! The nation can’t afford it! That works out to an extra financial burden on each and every current Australian household of 1.3 billion dollars, in only 256 years.

Not only that, if Labor wins government on May 18, it is projected they will waste 728 billion of your dollars on promoting and advertising their policies by the year 2,138. We, as a nation, can’t afford such profligate waste.

I can tell you now, vote for Bill Shorten and Labor, and within the next 612 years, we will be a nation with a fully unionised workforce. We won’t have our current flag. No, that will be long gone; replaced by the CFMEU’s flag as our new national flag. Worse than that — forget Advance Australia Fair. If our national anthem by then isn’t ‘The Internationale', probably some shitful Billy Bragg dirge will be inflicted upon us. Try imagining that. Horrible!

In stark contrast to that, we offer a steady, reliable and safe pair of hands, safe and secure borders — unlike Labor who will literally open our borders and let any riff-raff onto our shores. This will horrify you; it does me. If Labor wins on May 18, Australia is projected to have 145 million Indians and 120 million Chinese living here by the year 2,908. Some of my favourite restaurants are Chinese and Indian. Nothing better for a takeaway or Uber meal at home, but we don’t need that many of them.

If Labor is able to implement their ridiculous and mendacious negative gearing policy, the upward pressure on rental accommodation will see the cost of a two-bedroom apartment skyrocket to the outrageous price of $13,500 per week by the year 2,105.

Vote in a Labor government and unemployment will be so high it will make your nose bleed like never before. My Government will create 7.2 billion new jobs by the year 2,330. But you can wave that goodbye if Bill Shorten has his way and inflicts his crippling high tax regime upon our corporate sector. It will be a miracle if even two new jobs a year are created under a Shorten government.

And as for Labor’s much-vaunted health policy. Bunkum. All smoke and mirrors. If implemented it will be catastrophic in its impact. A national disaster. Voting for Labor will ensure that 150 years from now, every voter in the upcoming May 18 Election will be dead. That’s right. Dead! Only by voting for the return of a Morrison Government can we, as a nation, avoid such a fate.

And don’t get me started on their approach to penalty rates, coal production and private schools. If Shorten has his way with penalty rates, all small business owners will have to work three jobs just so they can afford to open one day a week — which, by definition, will be on a weekend because they’ll be busy working somewhere else from Monday to Friday. And you know what opening on weekends means!! Penalty rates. Our small business sector will be decimated trying to find the money to finance one employee to work just one day a week on the weekend. And the projected rates … $11,450 an hour on a Saturday, and $16,910 an hour on a Sunday, by the year 2,512.

That’s enough for now. I could continue, but quite frankly, I have to get home to attach a new, full-proof, wheel lock to the steering wheel of our family ute — before Bill Shorten can get his hands on it!

Thank you. Michaelia Cash will remain to answer any questions you may have.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'The (Real) Meaning of Life' and 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

You can purchase Rocky's books, 'The (Real) Meaning of Life'  here and 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68', by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here.

Support independent journalism Subscribe to IA.

 
Recent articles by Rocky Dabscheck
Why you should vote for ScoMo

ScoMo explains why he should be elected Australia's PM on 18 May, in this exclusive ...  
Barnaby, the old man and the river

Barnaby Joyce opens up to IA about his intimate relationship with water.  
ScoMo hits the ground running

ScoMo has hit the ground running in his pursuit of becoming an elected prime ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus