Satire Editorial

Sage of Surfers Paradise predicts AusPol 2022: You won’t believe it!

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(Image by Dan Jensen)

Managing editor Michelle Pini and founder and publisher Dave Donovan channel IA's inner clairvoyant to present the following AusPol prophecies for 2022.

IN A YEAR characterised by lies and rorts, and with the pandemic creating a surreal backdrop for fear among the populace, corruption has hit dreadful lows few could have predicted.

Rorts and pork barrelling are flourishing and rising in frequency and value with each breaking day, as we have consistently shown and frequently foreseen at IA. 

With a due sense of apprehension and dread, given the cataclysmic years under Morrison rule, we look into our crystal ball to see what 2022 may have in store? Will this seemingly endless status quo continue? Is political corruption so normalised, and voters so groomed and conditioned, that the Morrison Government could be returned, ready and emboldened to continue on its merry rorting way?

And so, channelling our inner psychic, the Sage of Surfers Paradise presents the following prophecies for the first six months of next year, 2022.

But be forewarned! Should any or all of these events actually, uncannily, eventuate – or not come to pass as foretold – the Sage of Surfers Paradise's word is final, IA accepts no liability* and absolutely no correspondence will be entered into.

(* All Sagacious prognostications are for entertainment purposes only.)

JANUARY

On Invasion Day, there will be Government-led celebrations of Captain Cook’s circumnavigation of the continent and founding of the colony in Bondi — foolish protests in the streets by those with other views notwithstanding.

On January 22 (or possibly a little earlier), the Communications Minister will threaten to revoke Triple J’s licence for conducting its Hottest 100 countdown on this day, instead of on Invasion Day, when all self-respecting white supremacists would have done it. The Murdoch media will concur.

Conservative forces will call for the privatisation of the ABC. As is customary.

Scott Morrison will enact strengthened safeguards for Liberal Party leaders, ensuring he cannot be toppled without one hundred and one per cent of the party room vote. 

First Lady Jenny Morrison will do a tastefully provocative photoshoot for No Idea Magazine.

FEBRUARY

Attorney-General Michaelia Cash may or may not follow in the footsteps of her predecessor with historical rape allegations — the Surfers Sage isn’t prepared to rule anything in or out. 

Cash will, however, definitively declare a new outbreak of union corruption, for which a new royal commission will need to be established, post haste.

Later in the month, it is certain, our national security will be under threat and the AFP will embark on a massive terrorist offensive, during which several usual suspects will be rounded up and locked away under current anti-terrorism legislation. Without the possibility of parole. Via a closed hearing. (All of these people will later be quietly released, after signing comprehensive non-disclosure agreements.)

MARCH

Corruption allegations will surface against one or all of the following: Anthony Albanese, Sally McManus, Penny Wong and/or Jim Chalmers. Possibly also Tanya PliberseK.

Allegations of AWU corruption / sexual assault and/or the militant Maoist leanings of former Opposition Leader Comrade Bill Shorten will emerge to be trumpeted by the Murdoch Press. As is also now customary.

A sudden and seemingly inexplicable exodus from Parliament will erupt among Coalition members, with resignations all citing a sudden need to spend more time with family. Opinions of respective family members on this prospect will remain uncertain.

There will be several new appointments to the boards of the ABC, the Australian Energy Market CommissionNational COVID-19 Coordination Commission, Administrative Appeals Tribunal, the ACCC and a range of other quangos. 

In response to countless editorials in The Australian and strong criticism from the Institute of Public Affairs (IPA), as reported on Q&A and The Drum, the Government will announce a tender for the sale of 51 per cent of the Australian Broadcasting Commission.

Christian Porter will be appointed as Managing Director of the ABC.

It appears Louise Milligan's employment at the ABC is to be terminated and she will be sent into exile on Christmas Island.

The date for a Federal Election, in May, will be announced alongside renewed grave fears from the AFP about the terrorism threat within our borders.

APRIL

Four Corners will be ceremoniously axed, hung drawn and quartered, burned to ashes, scattered on salted earth and utterly stricken from the public record for a provisional thousand years.

New co-presenters of ABC7.30 will be Peta Credlin and Rowan Dean.

Clive Palmer and UAP Leader Craig Kelly will set forth to establish a new world record for the most unsolicited text messages ever sent, and in the shortest amount of time to date.

Recipients of the above-unsolicited text messages will collectively set a new world record for the most reported complaints concerning unsolicited text messages.

The Prime Minister will be photographed at a mine, wearing a fluoro vest, cooking a spicy Chicken Vindaloo.

Major expenditure announcements will be made for all Coalition electorates, plus every swinging seat and/or dick.

MAY

The Prime Minister will be photographed making samosas, building a sandpit for his daughters – aged 11 and 13 – and holding someone's smiling baby ... Wait, the Sage has reversed that prediction — no baby cradled by ScoMo could ever conceivably smile. Absurd.

Jenny will do a raunchy centrefold for Pentecostal Vogue Magazine, entitled 'The Love Machine Unveiled'.

Peter Dutton will order his wife to do another exclusive tell-all interview and photoshoot for The Australian, categorically declaring her spouse is "not a monster", as her husband leers malevolently at the photographer. 

The Sage portends that, despite only consisting of 31 days, the month of May 2022 will be the longest month since the universe emerged from the dim dark embers of nothingness at the dawn of time.

After a long and protracted vote-counting process, during which several frauds are discovered and votes recounted, the Morrison Government will be voted out. 

Many citizens will hit the streets to rejoice, but footage of celebrations will not appear on any of the commercial news broadcasts or the newly privatised national broadcaster, which has been rebranded as ABConservative.

A tearful IPA coterie will stage a demonstration in Melbourne against Dictator Dan and Chairman Albanese. Very few people will be in attendance but scores of thousands of protesters will be reported in the Murdoch media, including the (majority-Murdoch-owned) ABCon.

JUNE

The new Labor Government, assisted by Federal ICAC Now (FIN) Senator Ross Jones, will establish a national anti-corruption commission.

All but seven remaining members of the Liberal Opposition will be called before this newly formed body on corruption charges.

The Murdoch media will blame Labor for the eye-watering national debt and deficit of the previous three years, as again, is customary. 

Incensed, Right-wing nutjobs will instantly mobilise to axe the carbon tax, despite the absence of any policy announcement on this measure or even the slightest suggestion of such.

There will be a Liberal Party leadership spill during which Scott Morrison will be toppled with one hundred and two per cent of the vote going against him.

An inexplicable stroke of lightning will hit the IPA head office in Melbourne, shattering the desks of John Roskam and Janet Albrechtsen. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth at Pentecostal churches around Australia, with them asserting confidently that, indeed, the End Times are upon us.

The crystal is murky on this point but it appears Josh Frydenberg's face emerges as Leader of the Opposition ... although the Sage adds, there are dim shadows of what look to be malicious many-eyed potatoes looming dimly in the background. 

This editorial was originally published as part of the weekly subscriber-only newsletter and may be read online in the IA members-only area. You can receive this weekly in your inbox by subscribing HERE.

You can follow managing editor Michelle Pini on Twitter @vmp9 and founder and publisher Dave Donovan on Twitter @davrosz. Also, follow Independent Australia on Twitter @independentaus and on Facebook HERE, and in the new IA subscriber-only Facebook page HERE.

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