Satire

Pauline’s absolutely definitely non-Halal bed and breakfast

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Only white chocolate at Pauline's B&B (Image screenshot YouTube)

IA reporter Rocky Dabscheck stumbles across Pauline Hanson’s bed and breakfast in his search for a Queensland winter getaway.

PH: Please explain your reason for calling this number.

IAIs that the Hanson B&B?

PH: Yes it is. And I don’t lie.

IAGood. I’m looking at getting away from The Melbourne winter chill and coming up north for a few weeks in June.

PH: Very smart. Denying the climate, so to speak.

IADo you have any available rooms in June from the 14th till the 26th? And, how much?

PH: Depends on the room you want. Single. Double.

IAHang on. I know that voice. Am I speaking to Pauline Hanson of One Nation fame?

PH: Yes, you are? Who am I speaking with?

IAPaul Roberts.

PH: Good. Just had to make sure you weren’t an Akbal or Yusuf. I’m sure you understand.

IAOh yeah. Sort of.

PH: Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I don’t mind employing a muzzie to clean the rooms or the pool, but as far as being a guest, if you come from one of the seven nations Trump has banned, well, you’re not getting a room at my B and B. We don’t want to be over-run. It’s vegemite at breakfast here. Not Halal.

IAOK. I’m after a room with a queen size bed, and a spa.

PH: Excellent choice. That comes in at the very affordable rate of $150 per night. Breakfast included of course.

Will you be wanting the room to have a view of the pool?

IAWhy not?

PH: Good. That brings it up to $180 per night. Would you like your own personalised meal menus?

IASounds good.

PH: I’ll get my assistant, James Ashby, to print them up for you. That brings the rate up to $350 per night.

IAThat’s getting up a bit, but it is a special occasion for my wife and I.

PH: Are you driving up from Melbourne, or flying?

IAFlying.

PH: Wonderful. We’re 80k’s from the airport. I can get James to pick you up in the light plane we don’t actually own.

IAThat’s very considerate of you.

PH: For 2 of you, that will be an extra $700 each, but it is money well spent.

IAThat’s pushing it up a bit. But, what the heck! I want to make it a magical time for her.

PH: We have all ABC channels blocked on our TV’s and radios. If you want them unblocked it will be an extra $50 per night, so that brings it up to $400 a night.

IAI'm sure I can survive without the ABC for a few weeks.

PH: I like you. Have you ever considered standing for Parliament? I’m looking for someone to head our Senate ticket in Victoria. Would you be interested?

IAWell, I don’t have any experience in that area.

PH: Don’t you worry about that. We will provide you with all the support and materials you’ll need. We’ll discuss it when you’re here.

IASure. I suppose.

PH: Good. It will be an extra $5,000, plus a little more for James’ services. That will bring the cost up to around $10,600, plus extra for meals, other than breakfast, plus all your drinks.

IANow it is getting a bit exxie. I’ll have to think about it. Can I call you back tomorrow?

PH: Of course you can Paul. One final thing. Where do I send the invoice to?

IAFor what?

PH: For today. I am the leader of a major political party and people have to pay for my time. You have been lobbying me.

IAOh. Right.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also author of Stoney Broke and The Hi-Spenders.

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