Inside Clive Palmer's Trumpettes of Patriots Party

In an exclusive Independent Australia report, following is the transcript from the groundbreaking marketing meeting that kicked off Clive Palmer’s latest political extravaganza, Trumpettes of Patriots, launched with 25 million, resplendent, yellow vuvuzelas.

* CAMPAIGN MANAGER (CM): Okay lads, so, bloody Matt in accounting forgot to lodge the papers to register UAP in time.

Also, the Titanic-style ads aren’t cutting it anymore. So we needed to come up with a new party name. Something that's not only catchy but will capture the average Australian’s attention, appeal to the cookers and nut jobs and suck up Trump’s arse.

And it's brilliant! It's... wait for it ... Trumpet of Patriots!

Now, we also need a new theme. Remember, we don’t want to win. Uncle Chaiman Clive doesn’t want to go through that shit again sitting in Parliament for days on end. We just need enough votes to get our money back and make sure Dutton gets in.

So, only non-negotiables for the theme are that we’re sticking with yellow, it can’t be very long or that moron Babet won’t be able to remember it, and it must have the flag on it.

Any takers?

* WORK EXPERIENCE KID 1 (WE1): For an emblem, how about a Tasmanian Devil or kangaroo, or an emu?

CM: No, done before, too Aussie.

* WORK EXPERIENCE KID 2 (WE2): Well how about a didgeridoo?

CM: Nah, too Indigenous, can't have that. Bloody hell, how did you get in here?

WE1: What about a slouch hat and some ANZACS with guns?

CM: Nah, done to death and also copyright issues.

WE1: That's never stopped us before...

WE2: I've got it! Nothing says "Australian patriot" more than an African lion blowing a South American vuvuzela!

WE1: Except it's not a vuvuzela, we call it a "TRUMPet"!

WE2: Yep. And we add some Latin, like a label across it. That shit makes everything look serious. What’s the Latin for “Trump is King”?

CM: I like it, that’s bloody Aussie as! Okay, WE1, run it through that bloody chatbot AI thing we bought and see what it comes up with. You’ve got ‘til lunch to get me a mock-up. The press conference is next Wednesday.

WE2 you get that printer in China on the blower and tell him to get ready for about 50,000,000 yellow corflutes. Ask him if he’s got a vuvuzela supplier as well. We’re going to need 25,000,000 units of those, at least. Not paying more than two cents for each though — delivered. Get a quote. Must be yellow.

I’ll ring Uncle Chairman Clive and get approval. If Babet rings, tell him I’m out of the office and give him nothing. If old Ralphy-boy tells Pauline what we’re up to we’re screwed. We don’t need the redhead copying us. She’d stand out like dog’s balls with a dead lion draped over her — surprised she hasn’t thought of it before.

Anyway, get one of the front office girls to send Babet some crayons and that Trump colouring-in book he likes as a distraction. Works every time. Make sure the crayons are safe to eat this time, though, please?

Good work boys, you are all excellent Patriots of the Trumpet, the UAP is dead. Now get to work!

* The names of the former UAP campaign manager (now executive campaign manager for Trumpet of Patriots) and the two local Year 12 work experience kids who attended the meeting have been withheld to protect the innocent.

Darren Crawford is a surfer, environmentalist, sports coach/administrator and academic. He is also vice president of Save Our Spit Alliance. You can follow Darren on Twitter @Darrencanplay.