Satire Opinion

Grand Final fever — the secret to a Panthers win

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Sydney Olympic Park will host the 2024 NRL Grand Final (Image via Simon_sees | Flickr)

The countdown to the 2024 NRL Grand Final has Bazza and the boys giving their in-depth analysis on the game – with a few old footy clichés – and a winning strategy for the Panthers.

Mick took a deep breath, swung his right leg onto the bar stool and with bowed face grimacing at his stretched knee, let out a deep groan.

Know-All-Ron, holding court at the adjacent bar table, paused and all eyes trained on Mick.

"Don’t mind me, fellas…. I pulled a hammy during last Saturday’s footy feast. I gave the remote control on the television a real workout with the AFL Grand Final, followed by the All Black Test and was all set for the Panthers versus the Sharkies when the batteries died. Well…. I got up off the lounge, considered kicking one of the grandkid’s soft toys out of the way with a 40/20 but opted to step off my right foot, to change the channel. Bang… there goes the hammy.”

Sighs all around and a chorus.

“Will you be right for the Grand Final in Noel’s back shed come Sunday, Mick?”

Mick straightened up.

“Rest assured… I will be there even if I need a painkiller injection. I am icing it daily and  booked physio for the rest of the week. Anyhow, Ron what’s your synopsis for the big game?”

Know-All-Ron took a measured sip, paused for silence, cleared his throat and rubbed his chin.

"I am backing the Panthers, Mick, as long as they turn up. Penrith have the players to get the job done. They have trained the house down all week and have played strong and done good this year. Now Mick…you have got to remember it will be a game of two halves, but at the end of the day, the team which scores more points wins.”

Mick shook his head repeatedly and his eyes beamed.

"By gee, Ron… you never cease to amaze me… that is a pretty in-depth analysis. You sure put the research in. I should be taking notes so I can impress the new neighbour who is a Monday expert on all matters rugby league. We should turn the television volume down on Sunday and go with your commentary.”

Ron blushed and sucked in a long breath, straightened his shoulders and deepened his tone.

“Thanks, Mick. I appreciate the compliment and agree some of the commentators fall short on a proper appreciation of the greatest game of all and lean towards the odd cliché. Now, Mick…it is a must win game for the Panthers and it will be all credit to the boys if they can bring home the silverware. It’s all possible with Cleary showing more toe than a Roman sandal and, lets face it, the way he is kicking the footy, he can land them on a sixpence. Anyhow, there is a final observation I will make.”

Ron paused for a long sip as the others leaned in.

“Rugby League will be the big winner on Sunday.”

The loud sigh from Timeless Tom was like a full-time siren.

“I think you are overthinking it a bit, Ron. Penrith will win if they remember Rugby League is a team game and all twelve other players concentrate on just passing the ball to Nathan Cleary.”

 

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.

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