Satire Opinion

Everything you need to 'No' for the Voice Referendum

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons)

The key to clickbait is to give an odd-number, single-digit list of things to confirm prejudices. Here are Duncan Graham’s nine reasons to resist change.

1. Henry Ford, the guru of capitalism – the faith we worship – said: “History is bunk.” That means whether it’s the last 60 minutes or 60,000 years, it means we look ahead. There are exemptions, like Anzac and Don Bradman, but don’t confuse the issue.

2. Follow the wisdom. Founding father John Howard says “go No” because British colonisation was “the luckiest thing that happened”. Spot on. Had old Nic Baudin planted the Tricolor first then we wouldn’t have had the right to reject a republic.

3. People are judged by the company they keep. Getting on-side with leading public intellectuals driven by altruism, like Peter, Jacinta and Warren will uplift us all when they win. They’re likeable, evangelical, happy folk wanting all to share their vision of love. The other mob is so serious.

3. Who can unravel a speech by Noel Pearson? The suntan sprayer uses language in a way you’d never hear in a bar, so his arguments fail the pub test.

4. An unelected mob took six years to bash out something they call the Voice — though there’s no audio. How about that? People want podcasts and tweets, not 26-page dodgy dodgers.

5. Taking so long to agree on something simple means that in the future decades will pass to get anything done. Imagine deciding the gauge for a trans-continental railway or settings for an NBN roll-out, matters which would normally be fixed before lunch. Nation-building schemes, like Snowy Hydro, will be bogged down with getting permission to run tunnel-boring machines above sacred caves.

6. All they’ve done is create “birthing trees” to stop progress. Widening roads are our birthright. They didn’t even invent Christianity. If you want to talk about ochre scribblings on cave walls drawn before the pyramids, know this: They clearly say “NO”.

7. A “Yes” vote guarantees costs will triple, quadruple, whatever you like, bashing down hard-working taxpayers struggling to put food on the carpet. Woolies and Coles will be forced to prove everything on their shelves complies with Indigenous beliefs like Muslims demand halal labels. Cashiers will have to speak to customers in the local gibberish — and we don’t mean Mandarin or Vietnamese.

8. “No” will lead to harmony as the “Yes” mob will just go back to where they came from. We’re already the envy of the world because we’re equal, united and sharing our common wealth. Whether your name is Gina, Clive, Andrew or Fred and Mavis, you can access the nation’s leaders and set the agendas.

9. The world jeers when they see “dancers” stamping the dust in gaudy gear telling fantasies about emus. Dinky-die culture features little swans and magic flutes.

So say “No” to anything that might make Australia like New Zealand. They’ve had a deal with the locals since 1840 and they’re still at the bottom of the world. Okay, there’s the All Blacks, but Captain Sam Cane is all White.

Duncan Graham is an Australian journalist living in East Java.

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