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(Image via @JaiBrooks1)

Minister for Immigration and Border Security Peter Dutton has unwittingly released to IA a copy of the new Citizenship Test. We here publish it in its entirety.

Citizenship Test

1. Australia’s foreign policy is formed where? 

a) Canberra

b) Washington, Florida

c) Dili

2. If you offered an Australian free tickets to attend an event, which event are they most likely to attend?

a) Opera

b) Ballet

c) Football

d) Alternative live theatre

3. Rewrite in plain English:

     When my amanuensis adumbrates an issue he never lapses into a sesquipedalian mode.

     To do so, would basically be to go from Lombard Street to a China orange.

4. David Boon is best remembered, and respected, because of 

      a) His drinking prowess

      b) His batting prowess

      c) His moustache

      d) His understanding of world politics

5. What should you throw on the barbie?

 a) Hot salami

 b) Another prawn

 c) Escargot

 d) Buttered chicken  

6. An Australian’s idea of a musical genius is

     a) George Gershwin

     b) Erik Satie

     c) Jimmy Barnes

     d) Vaughan Williams

7. Can Australians name a famous Australian scientist? 

     a) Yes

     b) No way!      

8. Can Australians name a famous Australian golfer?

     a) Fuck, yeah!

     b) Of course

     c) Probably 

9. If Australians list ten famous Australians they admire, how many of the ten will be     sportspeople?

a) All of them

b) At least eight

c) At least six

d) Less than five

10. Pick the odd man out. The other three are deemed to have been brilliant, charismatic and dynamic Australian prime ministers:

     a) William McMahon

     b) John Howard

     c) Gough Whitlam

     d) Tony Abbott

11. Upon arrival, what is the first thing a new Australian should do? 

a) When crossing the road, look to the right, then the left, then the right again

b) Get a Myki or public transport card

c) Choose which team to barrack for

d) Demand cuts to the ABC

12. What has been of more benefit to Australia?

      a) Multiculturalism 

      b) Coal

      c) Its Aboriginal heritage

      d) The ABC and SBS

13. Which two famous Queenslanders should you most admire?

      a) Harold Blair

      b) Peter Dutton

      c) Jonathon Thurston

      d) Wayne Goss

      e) George Miller

      f) Joh Bjelke Peterson

      g) Pauline Hanson

      h) Matthew Hayden

14. Sam Loxton is best known for

       a) Being a member of Bradman’s '48 team, known as "The Invincibles"  

       b) Being a Liberal Party politician in the Victorian State Parliament

15. A hat-trick is something you connect with

       a) W.C. Fields

       b) Shane Warne

       c) Rabbits and magicians

16. Name an ex-Queensland policeman who has risen to be a Federal Government minister.

17. Name a Federal politician who could be a rhyming couplet with the word mutton.

18. Which Australian politician was born on November 18, 1970?

THE ANSWERS 

  1.  B
  2.  C
  3.  If my secretary uses big words to explain something, it would be a fucking waste of time.
  4.  A
  5.  B
  6.  C
  7.  B
  8.  A
  9.  A
  10. C
  11. C or D
  12. B
  13. B, F, and possibly G
  14. B
  15. B
  16. Peter Dutton
  17. Peter Dutton
  18. Peter Dutton

THE RESULT

If you answered every question correctly

You are most welcome in Australia and we would love to sign you up as a member of the Liberal Party and pre-select you as our candidate for a marginal seat.

15 or above correct answers

We would love to sign you up to the Liberal party but without any pre-selection sweetheart deals.

10 to 14 correct answers     

Welcome to Australia, but know your place. No joining any unions or attending any anti-coal rallies.

5 to 9 correct answers     

Pretty fucking ordinary. If you are caught watching the ABC or listening to the ABC (other than for their cricket coverage) instant deportation to the shithole you came from. And, if you are male, don’t grow a beard. 

0 to 4 correct answers  

Don’t care how long you’ve been here, or how you got here, you can fuck right off now.  

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

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