In an exclusive interview, Prime Minister Scott Morrespin joins Samantha Armasuckup on The Sun Rises to discuss very serious allegations against a senior minister, plus his plans to build a pizza oven.
...While I of course believe the matter to have been conclusively dealt with for all time, I am happy to announce that we will be conducting our very own, extremely comprehensive and completely independent inquiry into this matter. And, if there’s one thing my Cabinet does well it’s conducting independent investigations into our affairs.
~ Prime Minister Morrespin
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SAMANTHA ARMASUCKUP: Good morning and welcome to The Sun Rises. I’m Samantha Armasuckup and we have such a special show for you today. Joining us in the studio shortly is our very own, very special Prime Minister, the esteemed, the Honourable, the very hot beach bod, Scott Morrespin!
Prime Minister Morrespin will be discussing his latest scintillating plans to build a pizza oven! And also, the latest women’s issues that have, so impertinently, taken the Prime Minister’s time away from enjoying time with his family at Bronte Beach.
But first, a message from our sponsors, Scotty Cam’s favourite pizza oven building suppliers, Pizza Ovens Are Us!
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Welcome back to the program, and good morning and a very warm welcome to you, Mr Prime Minister.
PRIME MINISTER SCOTT MORRESPIN: Good morning Samantha. It’s always a pleasure.
ARMASUCKUP: Please, call me Sam. Prime Minister Morrespin, I believe you are happy to share with us your amazing plans to build a pizza oven! Is there no end to your skills?!
MORRESPIN: Well, you know, Sam, I like to have a go. Because, well, if you don’t have a go, you don’t get a go and I always like to get a go. I also like to give all my close mates a go. As you know. Because if there’s one thing we care about in this country, it’s, well, having a go. I could go on.
ARMASUCKUP: (Giggles) Oh, Prime Minister. I’d give you a go anytime. Now, I know all our listeners are just on the edge of their seats to hear about your latest pizza oven exploits, so they too can have a go, but, unfortunately, we do have a rather unpleasant, icky women’s issue we need to put to bed first…
MORRESPIN: (Interrupting) Tell me more, Samantha the Panther (chuckles).
ARMASUCKUP: (Giggles) Oh, Mr Prime Minister! Now, as already reported by the country’s finest, David Skynews, yesterday morning, on the matter of the very alleged, very historical cabinet rapist, well, it’s historical, it’s being dealt with by the police and the Opposition Leader couldn’t even come up with a solution on how you should handle it.
Nonetheless, I do need to ask you about it, Prime Minister. What do you intend to do about this recently alleged, very historical Cabinet rapist?
MORRESPIN: Well, you know Samantha, this is a very nasty business. Very nasty and yucky and eeeeaghw business. At first, I was obviously affronted by this alleged victim having the audacity to send a letter about this alleged crime to me and then a copy to both that Hanson-Young woman and that Wong errr … person.
But then, I asked Jen about it and as she does so well, she put it in terms I could understand. Self-interest. She said, imagine if it was one of our girls, Blobby. She likes to call me that, you know.
And I thought to myself, Jen, by John Howard’s hairy eyeballs, you’re right!
ARMASUCKUP: And so, are you intending to take any steps on this matter?
MORRESPIN: Well, now that Jen has clarified it all for me, I am. First, I asked the alleged rapist at the club whether he had ever raped any children? Well, he took a moment to think about it, sipping his brandy and taking a long drag on a thick Cuban, then replied, “Not that I can recall, Bubbles”. He likes to call me that. Anyway, there you go, categorical denial in no uncertain terms.
Nevertheless, while I of course believe the matter to have been conclusively dealt with for all time, I am happy to announce that we will be conducting our very own, extremely comprehensive and completely independent inquiry into this matter. And, if there’s one thing my Cabinet does well it’s conduct independent investigations into our affairs.
ARMASUCKUP: Oh, indeed! And has someone been appointed to head this investigation, Prime Minister?
MORRESPIN: Of course. But, naturally, his identity must remain secret to maintain the integrity of the investigation and to allow the police to do their jobs. Even more so, Sam, given the person I have appointed to investigate this thing that never happened is the alleged Cabinet rapist himself. I mean, we can’t possibly be expected to find anyone who knows more about this matter than the person who definitely didn’t do it, now could we?
ARMASUCKUP: Well, of course not! But, the alleged victim of this, certainly not a crime, recently committed suicide. Don’t rape investigations die with the victim in NSW?
MORRESPIN: Ah, yes … yes, I think that may be the case.
ARMASUCKUP: So, will the police be investigating further?
MORRESPIN: Well, no, Samantha. We will be conducting our very own and far superior non-crime investigation, as I already mentioned.
ARMASUCKUP: And will the alleged Cabinet rapist handling the investigation be stepping down from the Cabinet?
MORRESPIN: Of course not, Panthy Poo — he can hardly remain secret if he does that! Also, as mentioned, the matter has already been dealt with.
ARMASUCKUP: Indeed. Thank you so much for clarifying this very nasty women’s business for us, Prime Minister.
Now, I’m afraid we are out of time, but can I possibly trouble you for a copy of your pizza oven plans, so that we may share them on our website?
MORRESPIN: Ordinarily, Sam-Pam-Boom-Wah, that would be top secret men’s business, much like the Cabinet rapist – alleged rapist – but for you, Tootles, I think we can manage that.
ARMASUCKUP: Oh, Prime Minister Morrespin, what an absolute delight to have you on the show. Thank you so much!
MORRESPIN: This show is such a fine example of public interest journalism, the pleasure is all mine, Sam. I would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your recent marriage. Your husband is a very lucky man. Very lucky indeed.
ARMASUCKUP: He certainly is, Prime Mister. Grrrrrr!!
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Written and performed by Michelle Pini and David Donovan. You can follow managing editor Michelle Pini on Twitter @vmp9 and IA founder and director Dave Donovan @davrosz. Follow Independent Australia on Twitter @independentaus and on Facebook HERE.
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