Where’s Willie? 'The royal tour Downunder'

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Independent Australia is fortunate enough to have just received the script for a brand new TV series, called 'Where's Willie', starring Wee Willie, Winkers, and including a star guest appearance by Julia Galahd. It is written by Australian playwright, S. John Copplestone. Here's a few scenes for your enjoyment.

Where’s Willie: 'The royal tour Downunder'

Scene 1:

A private jet is winging its way speedily across the Pacific.

In it, with his New Zealand duties done, our hero – Prince William – is lying face down on a massage table in a sealed off section of the plane, receiving a soothing massage from his private assistant, Jeremy Winkleton.

Prince William: A little higher Winkers, that right shoulder feels simply ghastly.

Jeremy Winkleton: Oh, I can feel the tightness, your Highness. But, if I may say so, if you will absolutely insist upon shaking all those grubby hands, well this is just what you can expect. You do too much, your Grace, why can’t you just pat the little flag-wavers on the head—much less strain on the royal infraspinatus.

William: Oh I don’t know, Winkers old boy. You know Miguel says too much protocol makes the royal family seem aloof. It’s all about the “new royalty”, old chap. We have to seem in touch with the colonials or else they may get ideas in their head—beastly republican ideas. Now, we can’t have that, can we, what!? One must grit one’s teeth and try to get down to their level, as demeaning and arduous as that may seem.

Winkleton: Of course, your Highness, of course.

William: Bit lower. There, that’s it. Good, good! So, where are we off to next, Winkers.

Winkleton: Cairns, I believe, your Highness.

William: [Sits up abruptly and takes off eye-mask to look sternly at his startled assistant.]Don’t be absurd, Winkleton, that’s in France! On the other side of the world! Landsakes, man—we were just there the other day for that film thingy. Remember? We went drinking with George Clooney. Have you completely lost your marbles, sir?

Winkleton: Please, do forgive me, your Highness, but this is a different place. This Cairns is in Queensland, a state in Or-stray-lia.

William: [William’s eyes glaze over and become distant.]Oh yes, that jolly flood thing. Now I do recall. Hells bells, but I don’t know why they’ve named their town after a frog-place. Sounds bally disloyal to me. [Lies back down replacing mask over eyes.]. Carry on, Winkers.

Winkleton: [Resumes massaging the Prince’s lower back]. Then we are off to a place called Cardwell and then somewhere called Tully, which was badly affected by a cyclone, it is said, your Highness. That reminds me, didn’t you once have a nanny named Tully?

William: Good God, man! [Sits up again abruptly.] How on earth would I know that?

Scene 2

Meanwhile, back at the Lodge, a Prime Minister is sitting in front of a large mirror about to have her hair done by her live-in hairdresser, Tim.

Prime Minister: Ta Tim, I think I’ll go for an orange shade of red today. Thanks darl’.

A phone rings, Tim walks briskly across the room to answer it. He picks it up, there is a muffled conversation. He brings the phone over to the PM.

Tim: It’s Anna, Jules, want me to tell her you’re busy, love?

PM: Nah babe, I’ll take it now. You go an’ have a cup of tea and watch the telly. [She takes the phone.] Thanks, pet.

[Tim leaves the room.]

PM: Aw, hi Anna, how are ya’ sweetheart?


PM: I know, I know, it is exciting. Apparently George Cloooney is gunna to be there! Can’t wait. Tim’s bought a new hat!


PM: Aw well, that’s just silly! Is that what the Republicans are really saying? That I’m not really a republican because I invited William to Australia and I’m flying to England to go to the royal wedding? [Sighs] What next. Of courrrrse I’m a republican, it’s in the ALP policy platform, isn’t it? What do they expect from me?

[Pause. The PM's eyes widen.]

PM: A republic!What?! Well they can have a Republic after the Queen dies…and preferably after I leave politics.


PM: They don’t think we shoulda 'nvited William, eh?Well, you just remind them that William will bring great comfort and solace to the poor suffering people of Australia. Those people of far north Queensland shouldn’t need to miss out on this very important bit of royal comfort because of some silly republicans and their crazy ideas. I don’t know Anna, sometimes, they really make me wild…

Scene 3

Meanwhile, in far North Queensland, the residents of Tully – so hard hit by Cyclone Yasi – eagerly await the arrival of their Prince. However, for typical Tully family the Keith's – Lorna and Jim and their children Tasmin (14) and Matt (12) – this expectation is dampened somewhat by heavy rain and a leaking tarpaulin covering their missing roof.

The family – apart from Bill, who is hastily moving a bucket under a new leak – are sitting having breakfast watching a commercial morning news programme on television.

Lorna: Don’t eat with your hands, Matthew.

Jim comes into the room, looking up warily at the tarpaulin on the roof.

Lorna: Oh I am looking forward to William coming, what about you Jim?

Jim: [Distracted] What? Who?

Lorna: Prince William, he’s visiting Tully today. You know that, don’t be silly.

Jim: Oh yeah, William. Yes indeed, I am really, really, looking forward to it. It’ll be just fabuloso. Is he bringing a new roof and a crack team of carpenters by any chance?

Lorna: Oh don’t be silly, Jim. He’s here to bring comfort and solace to those affected by recent natural disasters, of which Tully was one such place.

Matt: (through a face full of vegemite toast): How’s he gunna do that Mum?

Lorna: Oh, um, well...he will come here in a plane and we’ll line up on the streets and wave flags as he drives past, I think. Then everyone will feel much better.

Jim: Except if it’s raining like it is now, then’ll we’ll just feel bloody wet and annoyed.

Tasmin: I’m looking forward to it. I can’t wait to see the Prince. He’s not married yet.

Matt: Yeah, well I can’t wait to see how big his bald spot is now. [Tasmin reaches across and punches him in the arm.]

Lorna: Yes...well...admittedly, he’s no George Clooney.

Jim: If he’s anything like his father, he’s probably more like George the Third.
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