One hot night in Kingaroy with Tony and Julie

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by Barry Everingham

A couple who claim they are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene have set up a base in Queensland and are drawing disciples from across the country. Senior correspondent Barry Everingham was briefed by a fallen angel.

It was a hot night in Kingaroy, the peanut heart of Queensland, when Tony Abbott and Julie Bishop were plotting and planning. Julia the Red wasn’t doing too good in the polls and Tony was running short of promises and even words and he’d run out of paper to write them on.

Julie may have been a Bishop by name but she sure wasn’t of the Church by nature — no siree.

In fact, Tony was acting rather strangely — his days in the seminary and his Jesuit education (give me a child at seven and I’ll show you the man) were never far from his troubled mind.

But, sitting on the cold marble floor of the Cathedral of Saint Joyce of the Barbarians, his cassock tucked tightly around his legs, Tony was restless – there seemed to be a presence in the room – a ghostly, albeit saintly, presence—which for sure wasn’t Julie. She’d finished ironing Tony’s shirts, they were folded and being put into his suitcase ready for tomorrow’s departure on their next step.

But she’d broken one of her perfectly manicured nails and expletives were spewing from her mouth, which caused Tony to think Sophie Mirabella must have arrived.

But no, the Greek nymph was busy at Theo’s weight control centre in Sydney’s Annandale, losing gallons of body fluids, which just wasn’t cutting it.

In case the children are reading over my shoulder, it would unwise to commit her language to paper.

Tony tried to close his ears to Julie’s outburst and his mind to Sophie herself. Both disturbed him for reasons only he could explain.

The floor in St. Joyce’s Cathedral started to shake ominously, then dangerously, and the couple were thrown against each other in a violent manner.

As they untangled themselves, they were confronted by what appeared to be George Pell wearing a tutu, a mitre, a red cloak, white stockings and satin low-heeled slippers.

Tony peered at the apparition and breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank the Lord it isn’t you, George,” he intoned and then, “but who ARE you?”

“My son, the vision splendide,” he hissed in tones which would have done David Flint proud. “I am a messenger from the great politician in the sky, who has sent me with a message.”

He then unrolled a scroll and read from it:

“I am the political lord of the world and upon this sacred place you and your deputy – or whatever she is – and if she can drag her eyes away from my slippers, I will give you a message.

“It is:

The woman Julia, wretched sinner as she is,” (Julie  Bishop had the grace to blush) “is ruining this sacred land.”

“There is only one solution, one salvationI am commanded” (and then the apparition produced from nowhere a wand which was obviously taken from the Australian Ballet’s props department and had been used on numerous occasions by the late Robert Helpmann) “by the master of the Universe to transform you both into the bodies of Jesus Christ and Mrs Magdalene and to charge you with returning Australia to a fair and free country not unlike the State of Queensland was when those saintly personas Joh Bjelke Petersen and Russell Hinze were in charge.

“You both will make it clear that, for a place in a political heaven, Australians will need to be the disciples of you both; you will ignore the plight of refugees who come from over the waters and you will marginalise this country’s original inhabitants.

“Church education will be compulsory and all non-church schools will be closed.

“Taxes of the rich will be substantially reduced and the poor will be paid an absolute minimum wage.

“Public hospitals will be phased out and the environment ignored.

“Internationally you will cause the breaking of relations with non-European countries and the United States will be off the radar until a pure-blood president is installed in the White House.

“I have list of disciples who will assist you in your high endeavours – the names will be familiar to you.

“Go my children, Tony and Julie, in your new personas and return this land to sanity and true Christian values.”  
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